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As a non-single, fat, polyamorous woman, I can't tell you how often I've been questioned about my confidence, self-worth, who I am, and why I'm into what I'm into.

If literally the only reason you are interested in me is because I'm fat, you might want to take a step back and get to know a bit about me first. When you tell me I'm not, what you are really saying is that despite my body size, I'm not all those horrible things you tend to associate with fatness.

I’ve thankfully been in a relationship for over two years now – I say thankfully, because it’s tough out there (well, that and I’m very much in love with my boyfriend!

) The more I talk to my friends, the more I realize that men have no idea how to talk to fat girls.

I’ve seen so many opening lines, especially on dating sites, along the lines of Here’s the thing. You probably think that it’ll make fat girls more likely to contact you first, but honestly it’s hurting your cause more than anything. *(Note, saying things like ‘real women have curves’, ‘only dogs like bones’, ‘skinny girls are gross’ are horrible things to say. We’re real people with real personalities and feelings. Again, can’t speak for all fat girls, but lots of us have had a lot of bad experiences when it comes to dating.

It makes you sound like all you care about is our bodies, that’s the most important part to you. So during a first conversation, again, you don’t have to qualify why you’re talking to her. You are more than welcome to have your preferences, but putting down other body types or other people’s preferences is NOT okay. Men who’ll talk the good talk but won’t be seen with us in public, men who’ll have sex with us but make fun of fat girls to their friends, men who think we’re ‘desperate’ and ‘easy’ and just a quick lay. If you don’t think there are guys out there who like fat girls, you are so wrong.

Dating as a polyamorous woman brings with it a lifetime's worth of misconceptions and jealousies.

Add a few extra layers of fat to that experience, and things can get depressing real fast.

This is loosely based on my own experiences as well as the experiences and suggestions of many girls I’ve talked to. Look, as much as I’m a body positivity advocate, as much as I call myself fat, as much as I realize that attraction is important and some people are attracted to fat bodies (which is totally cool! As fat girls, we spend a lot of our lives being treated differently–and it’s usually not in a good way. We’re just looking for you to get it and not do more of the same!

) weight is just something you shouldn’t mention to anyone in a first conversation, fat or thin. It makes us feel like you’re talking to us JUST for our body. You don’t need to have the username ‘bbwlover2012′, you don’t need to talk in your profile about how you’re looking for a fat girl, or how you define yourself as a chubby chaser*. As much as it may seem counterintuitive since I’m writing a whole post on how to date a fat girl, but a lot of this can be boiled down to this simple statement: date a fat girl the same way you’d date any other girl.

You don’t have to state that you’re attracted to larger bodies. You talking to a fat girl, showing interest, says all we need to know, without words! And it doesn’t win you any points.) It may seem silly to mention, but it actually is important. There’s no special way you need to talk to them, no different procedure, here. That can be a real self-esteem killer for us, and it can make us gun shy. Just try to assure her that you’re attracted to what’s on the inside and the outside! I understand that it can be hard, you’re afraid of your friends or your family ragging on you for dating fat girls.