I’m worked up right now, too, but that doesn’t mean it’s a good idea for me to go farther before I’m ready, or that it’s fair to suggest that I should do more than I’m comfortable with because you’re excited. Them: (stammers) You: I don’t mean to put you on the spot, it’s just that I’d rather talk about it together first than just make a move that I’m not sure you want or are ready for.Plus, we haven’t even talked about this before, and I feel like there’s a lot to talk about. Let me calm down for a minute, and then what do you say we just cuddle up and talk about this – no pressure, just seems like it’d be a good idea to figure out where we both stand and what we need. Alternate Conversation: Them: Can we move this to the bedroom? You won’t hurt my feelings if you don’t feel the same way – I mean, I’d be bummed, but it’s okay -- or don’t feel that way yet.Later on we can get to the stuff that’s going to make me feel like a dope. When we have sex together, it feels like it’s all about how or when you get off and not about me, too. And I have been enjoying myself, just not all the time, and just not to the point where I’m feeling as good as you are, or getting to an orgasm, like you do.
I don't have a disability, but there are plenty of things I can't do or which don't feel comfortable for me, too.
How about we start with the good stuff: that’s easy, right? But it's often painful for me to do it in the position you keep wanting to do it in. So, what can I do to make that even better, and how can we do it so you're comfortable? maybe we could try it like You: I want to talk to you about something that’s been bothering me, and it isn’t easy to talk about, but I need to. You: Well, I keep feeling like maybe you don’t understand that just because you’re finished with sex, that doesn’t mean I am. You: You don’t need to feel terrible: I should have said something before now, I was just too nervous.
You: Hey – this feels great, and I’d like to keep on doing it if you would, but I just want to press pause for a sec to make sure we’re on the same page. Them: Yeah, I like this too, and if you want to have dry sex, I could be down with that, but that all by itself is great for me, too. Just keep me posted with any changes if you start to feel differently, and I’ll do the same. Alternate Conversation: You: Hey – this feels great, and I’d like to keep on doing it if you would, but I want to stop for a sec to make sure we’re on the same page. (keeps kissing) You: Whoah: it’s really important to me that I take a minute now, so I need you to do that, too. You: You know, if we can’t do things like just take a minute to check in and lay down some boundaries and ground rules – and that’s all I needed to do – while this felt really good, I don’t want to keep going with it. If you’re ready to talk about this another time, you can call me. I’ve been having the hardest time talking about what I like and what I don’t.
You: I’d like to keep making out, and I’m probably comfortable with some dry sex if you are, but I know I don’t want to go further than that this soon. You: You know what, let’s stop for a minute and talk.
Them: Well, I embarrass myself in front of you almost every day and you still like me.
And my feelings shouldn’t be hurt about what you like and you don’t: if they are, that’s my thing to deal with, not yours.
I think you do, but you’re too upset to have this talk now. Them: I can understand that, even though I wish you felt better. You: Maybe we could spend the time we have together for a while either just snuggling, or doing some different things together? I feel like you get really frustrated with me when I don’t come, and like a lot of the time, it’s seemed easier to just pretend. I feel like such an asshole: I must be awful in bed! Do you want me to keep talking, or do you need a minute? When you get so frustrated, it’s pretty hard for me to stay excited.
So, I’m going to go home for now, but I’ll call you in a little bit and we can talk more if you want, or you can call me when you’ve cooled off. I know you like it, so I’ve tried it, but I’m just not into it and it doesn’t make me feel good. You: I was still making up my mind, but I was also worried because it seems like everybody does it and likes it, so I felt like a jerk or a prude and was also really worried you’d just want to find somebody else who would do it. Them: Well, you like and I don’t, and while I wish I did, because it’d make you happy, I know that you wouldn’t want me to do anything I didn’t like, and that sex where we both aren’t into something just isn’t any good. I know you love Chocolate ice cream, but – and this isn’t easy for me to say – I’ve got to be honest, I’m a Mint Chocolate Chip guy. And maybe we could also talk some more about that fight we had last week? Too, I think it’d help if we did more things with sex, or spent more time with those things, that were more likely to get me there.
And something is wrong right now: I don’t feel like you’re really considering me, and while I understand you might be feeling defensive, I need to be heard – more than your friends – if we’re going to keep having sex. It’s not my problem if normal sex doesn’t work for you.
What I am saying is that when you’re finished, most of the time I’m not, and I need you to either care more about that, or if you already do, to show me that you care by asking if I’m finished, and when I’m not, by asking what else I want to do. You: You know, this is a hard talk for me to have, too, but with you being this angry about it, I don’t feel like we can have it right now.
And since I didn’t what it seems to say about you is that you have a girlfriend who needs to work on speaking up.